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Vibrations

As a recognized genius of the first order, it is unlikely there will be many people who will know more about lots of ‘stuff’ than me … except about vibrators.  On this subject I suspect I am surrounded by many experts who could provide me with enlightenment on the subject. Indeed, this recently proved correct.  

Some years ago I lived near a woman of substantial proportions who owned one of those machines that has a belt designed to surround the parts one wishes to ‘melt’ and, this in turn is attached to a rotating arm that causes seismic vibrations. This particular neighbour performed her melting ritual in her bedroom at 7.45am every morning. She had parts that moved in ways I never imagined, and I hasten to add, have never seen since. It was a very disturbing sight. I never saw the complete performance because my binoculars steamed up. It made my first hour at work a period of poor concentration. 

Only a couple of years ago I employed 2 gorgeous ‘babes’ to promote a device that is designed to keep your bathroom moisture free and the mirror reflecting ones full glory. The young ladies task was to hand out brochures and keep potential customers engaged long enough for me to seduce them into purchasing. The girls were good at this but being admirably ambitious, wished to do more. They suggested a commission basis whereby they take turns inside the demo shower. They guaranteed a performance that would both attract a sizable crowd and keep them until I was finished taking the loot from the more intelligent early adopters of our device. I was keen on the idea but the management team outvoted me 1 to 1. However, the girls appreciated my vote in their favour and during the quieter moments decided to further my education on the subject of vibrators. They both had very decided preferences regarding the merits of their chosen devices. To suggest I was struggling to understand the difference between feathers and fur, frequency and flexibility would be an understatement. I was about to ask for clarification when again management took the attitude that there were better things to keep me occupied. A cold shower was mentioned. 

It was therefore with a decided lack of knowledge and experience that I listened to my friend as he advised me that he had felt some serious vibrations when road testing my classic sports car. He said they could be felt through the seat and had a theory about delaminating rubber. I was aware that some people know about ‘rubber’ things and appreciated being taken into his confidence. I quietly asked if he could leave them there for me to also experience alone, knowing that management would be otherwise blithely occupied driving her own car – sans vibes.

During the 200km drive home I experimented. I discovered that different speeds resulted in different frequencies and different sensations. I believe having leather seats helped. At 45mph the sensation was quite defined and focused ones attention on the event. At 70mph the sensation was quite relaxing and probably marketable to the yoga fraternity. At 100mph there was a real buzz – a sizzling sensation that I found very pleasurable. The squealing tyres and smell of hot oil did suggest this mode required further fine tuning - fettling is a word I believe my friend would use.

This is an opportunity to thank my classic car mechanic for introducing me to his area of expertise through the work he did on my car. I now love driving it more than ever. If you ever need work undertaken on your classic I strongly recommend him. You never know how your life may be improved. Ask him about the feathers option.I