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The New Years Honours Nominee 

Maurice O’Reilly

About this time each year I call in to see our local member of par-le-ment and ask for a couple of nomination forms for New Years Honours. It’s easy enough – you just ask for Whakaingoatanga Kia Whakawhiwhia Ki Tetahi Tohu Whakamanawa Roera O Aotearoa.

This is when you realise that your local MP is a twit. They will say, “Ummmmm, I think you should come back when my secretary is here”. Don’t give up. After all, you are going the country a service. Someone has to be given the ‘Honours’ at New Year and it would seem that, as that time draws nearer, a PC do-gooder in Wellington starts to panic. They rush around the various offices looking for someone who doesn’t already have one and inevitably we read about someone who has had their nose so deep in the public trough that we have never seen their face before.  

In the past my nominations have been for people I consider commendable, but when I call up on January 2^nd to ask why my nominee was missed out I’m usually informed that there were insufficient ‘letters of support’. They’ve also told me, for example, that the ‘holder of the record for driving a classic sports car backwards down the Bombay Hills’ is not considered worthy. Nowhere in the application form does it give any indication as to what is ‘worthy’. I suspect that is just bureaucratic speak for, “Because we have a better idea your nomination form blew into the shredder”. What seems to be needed is a lot of nominators sending in the same name for the same reason. So … this year I’m enlisting members of the Daimler SP250 club to support the application with one of their own.

‘Our’ nominee is one that I submit most years – so far without recognition for his continual ‘worthiness’.  It is none other than club founder, ‘madly enthusiastic SP250 owner’ …and webmaster – Peter Altmann.

This year, as usual, Peter has many justifications for being honoured. As I believe it’s possible to overshadow other nominees which wouldn’t be showing the required sensitivity and caring attitude, we’ll just mention two of them.

1. Suggested Order – Order of the Companions of Honour – for Religion.

Peter unselfishly gave up a hallowed tradition and religious festival for the sake of a fellow club member.

He missed the Clubs Christmas Celebration and the free meal, to support Rob Douglas at his wedding. Compounding this meritorious action, he stood, without flinching, throughout Robs entire bagpipe serenade to his new wife, Jane.

This may sound a little undemanding – but Rob was wearing a Kilt at the time. Reliable witnesses swear that other guests previously considered tough, resilient and even a little hard of hearing, fled towards the outside deck where another guest was freely dispensing a very good single malt scotch as a recuperative medication.

As befitting the role of all SP250 Club members ‘spiritual mentor’, Peter offered to fulfill any early marital obligations Rob was unable to meet due to the physical exertion of blowing his pipes. He also pointed out the biblical reference that states that, “When a man is newly wed, he has a duty to bring joy to the wife he has married.” God alone knows what happens after that.

I’m sure you can now understand and appreciate the magnitude of Peters gesture of support for his old mate. This has the potential to be upgraded to a Knighthood.

2. Suggested Order –  The Order of Merit – for Science

Peter discovered that water in Auckland house spouting is running backwards resulting in the much publicized ‘Leaky Homes’ syndrome.

He discovered this when he forgot to apply the handbrake to his SP250 and it started to move on previously flat ground. Fortunately Sandra was handy to throw herself down and provide a ‘chock’ behind the wheel. I understand that the bruising is responding to Peters dutiful application of ‘deep heat’.

Like all good scientists Peter confirmed the phenomena by an alternative unrelated discovery. He fell off his motorcycle. Previously he had stopped at a known flat location where he could put either leg on the ground to allow Sandra to alight with a degree of elegance. On this occasion his leg failed to reach the ground and observers in the area were able to confirm that, on this occasion, Sandra was wearing underwear.

The resulting study proved that, due to the majority of New Zealanders moving to Auckland, the country is tilting. It’s well documented that Northland has experienced droughts – caused by all the ground water squishing out, while Southland has had long dry periods caused by all the water running North to Cooks Straight.

Some would argue that this is an indication of Global Warming – but Peter has firmly put that tenuous and implausible theory to bed. The tilt, which in future will be known as the ‘Altmann Droop’, will have far reaching implications. For example, the accelerating tilt could result in Aucklanders getting out of bed on the wrong side. If this were to happen to the new Mayor of the Super City, it may result in Auckland declaring independence and compulsory homosexuality to stop further breeding and the resulting additional weight of offspring.

Peter is currently researching the likely compounding effect that will result when all skinny photographic models will be replaced by chubby women. Early results seem to indicate that (a) the majority of the population will be traumatized and (b) Peter will consider continue with further studies of this nature.

Please support our nominee.