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The Future of Classic Motoring

During a weekend raid on my home by a Classic Car Club, the future of driving Classic & Vintage Cars, was raised. As I looked around the room I was struck by the notion that the future looked gloomy – in fact, as some of the members discussed and compared their aches, allergies, prosthesis, inabilities and the dubious medications for each, I considered the future was very short term. In fact I became concerned that some may not be able to leave the property and this would create some embarrassment or at least some disruption to my own slowing lifestyle. It was with considerable relief we called the roll as all visitors departed and we were left with nothing more than a depreciated reputation for entertaining aged ‘boy racers’ in noisy vehicles.

In my mind, the Classic car culture is divided into 3 groups.

There are the Vintage owners who in turn have 2 sub groups – slow running and slow restorations. I fell into this group a few years ago when I mistakenly thought that these cars were an ‘investment’ that would both provide my Minister of Domestic Affairs with the lifestyle she dreams of and provide me with an interest in my declining years. I was mistaken. The opposite occurred as I sold off most of the collection at considerable loss and accepted that my dotage activities were unlikely to be an issue because the MODA predicted I was unlikely to reach a respectable age. The future for this ‘vintage’ group will in my view remain little changed for 30 years. Both the slow restorations and slow running vehicles will be passed on to their offspring who have been genetically programmed to continue in their parents’ rut. After the 30 years, the only change will be to the slow runners who are likely to become stationary due to the horrendous taxes placed on the vintage fuels they require. These cars will become works of art – unless they are Italian which will have rusted away – or shamefully American which will have become an embarrassment that the inheriting generation will wish to hide – and will be put on display in cluttered garages for others afflicted by the same syndrome to gather around and discuss while drinking home-made beverages that probably played a part in their forbears purchase of the car in the first place. This is not a future to be looking forward to.

The second group is the ‘show classic’ owners of cars that they perceive to have a style or distinction that raises them above the ‘ordinary’ vehicles the common people bought. The majority of these are ‘sports’ cars. Often they will be 2 seaters with puny engines or 4 seaters with more cubic centimeters or in the instance of V8’s, cubic inches. The owners of these cars are a distinctive personality group that often matches their choice of cars. Many of them wear hats that compound their alienation at social functions. These cars are usually restored and are seldom exposed to dust or water in the form of rain. A ‘mint original’ will be owned by someone in the financial industries – probably the owner of a Finance Company. Ownership of the ‘show classic’ is more like a religion and the meetings of owners have very much in common with church services – quietly reverent and singing praises. These cars will last forever. That’s a sobering thought. ‘Forever’ is a long time. The vehicles will be passed from generation to generation together with the special rag and a belief that certain cleaning products are superior. They will continue to be used intermittently until denied the fuel oil resource they require. The price of fuel will not be a deterrent because the issue is ‘being seen’ rather than motoring. They can afford a little fuel to get them to the religious gathering but will eventually have to tow them behind their hydrogen powered utility vehicle to save the precious fluid for the ‘demonstration’. A demonstration will involve period costumes and an adequate audience. Really, considering this, I conclude they don’t have much of a future either.

The third group, in my perspicacity, would never use a word like perspicacity. They are the owners of slightly tatty through to decidedly shabby cars that are always of a sporting nature. They span the ages from pre-world war II through to recent history and will inevitably be high mileage and stone chipped. They are driven by drivers. The roof will be removable the owners will be out there exposed to the elements defying God to strike them down with skin cancer. It is a little known fact that this behaviour is the very thing that saves them from the cancer and most other debilitating afflictions that are usually the product of boredom. Their therapy is the agricultural fragrances that they inhale with the vigor of a peeping tom in a nudist colony - together with dust covered insects. Their hats are excusable and may even have chin straps. These cars will also last forever and, unless their progeny are genetically modified by becoming vegetarian or too much texting, will be driven forever. They will be continually repaired and modified – and when the oil is no longer available will be repowered with an engine likely to have a nuclear reactor lurking in its bowels. These are the real classic cars … and the future is good. It is even possible at around 3010 our true classic cars will be transported to a planet dedicated to driving as we know it. I can hardly wait.