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Swine Flu

With apologies to those with a fever … from Maurice O’Reilly

I was verging on a mental breakdown a few nights ago while out to dinner with fellow car club member. Some of you will be nodding your head in understanding but on this occasion he was not the catalyst of my condition. He has on occasions caused me mild hypertension but never a partial breakdown of my well developed ability to enjoy a meal.

My mate confided that he is among the growing number of people who believe that the current ‘pandemic’ known as ‘Swine Flue’ is little more that a hoax perpetrated by Roche to get rid of the oversupply of ‘Oseltamivir’ that was made for the last pandemic (Bird Flue) in 1997 when about 64 people died – a great disappointment when about a trillion little brown & white capsules had been manufactured under the trade name of Tamiflu. 

My anxiety attack resulted from the fact that my friend had, with wicked subtlety, drawn my attention to the fact that I was in a public place without a mask. Ever since I was about 9 years old and went first time to a movie by myself, I have wanted to wear a mask. The movie was in black & white with a scratchy soundtrack but that didn’t matter – it featured my hero – Zorro.

Zorro wore a mask and as a result he wasn’t frightened of anything. Swine and Bird Flue would both have been quickly overwhelmed by some fancy whip work and pricked into oblivion on the sharp end of his sword. The pandemic would have been thoroughly thrashed and dispatched before interval … and the lovely flu smitten maiden would have emerged from her boudoir a little flushed but quite well enough to leap onto the back of Zorro’s horse and together gallop off to find the dastardly ratbag who had formulated the fiendish virus in the first place. Before the end of the movie I was determined to have a mask and to sort out a few issues in my own areas of concern. For example, there was the mysterious affair of the air being let out of my bike tyres while I was at school … and likely during the very time I was being made by the teacher to dance a gypsy reel or a polka with a scheming girl that had applied copious quantities of her mothers perfume for the occasion. (“Fragrance awareness” is a valuable faculty.)

It has not escaped my attention however; that the current masks being used against virus attack are the wrong sort. People everywhere are wearing the ones they swiped from their spray painter. I have never seen a movie about a spray painter let along one that saved any maidens from certain dishonour or even embarrassment. To the contrary, most spray painters I know are the cause of many maidens’ problems.

All of the above is important information but I’ve strayed a little from the intended intelligence I wish to share with fellow club members. It’s good news – very good news – and I thank my friend for drawing attention to the issue and causing me to research the subject.

I have discovered that there has never been a Classic Car Club of NZ member who has died of swine flu. To the best of my knowledge, nobody who has ridden in or washed a Classic car here in NZ has ever had swine flu either. This was not only a great relief for me but will be comforting for all members who have what is obviously a far more reliable defense than the pills which can only be obtained by armed holdup of a chemist shop.

This of course, offers the opportunity for commercial gain. (Something Zorro always seemed to overlook but my Minister of Finance suggests is handy.) The Classic Car Club could set up a roster for members to take paying passengers on a scaled ‘virus protection’ ride. Once around the block for a gold coin provides temporary relief from symptoms. Washing the car results in a season’s immunity. Payment of a fee requiring a mortgage provides a spin in the countryside and a certificate guaranteeing a long flu free existence.

In anticipation of this business I decided to delve. “Delving” is undertaking interesting investigative research into an obscure subject which inevitably results in an astonishing discovery of something incredible. I’ve done this on behalf of Classic Car owners before.        It’s good practice to know the reason for ‘phenomena’. Especially a phenomenon that results in commercial exploitation. In this instance, the question would be asked, “Why have New Zealand Classic Car Club members been so effectively immune to Swine Flu?”  The answer became obvious quite quickly. Our club founder is to again be credited with our good fortune and thanked for establishing our immunity.

Many years ago as a young man, our organizer wanted to be noticed by a certain young lady … and he eventually succeeded to his long term advantage. His cunning plan was to stand out in the crowd. (This is not so easy when you’re 5’3“ in platform shoes – even with purple bell bottom trousers.) To achieve his intent, he borrowed a huge sombrero from an acquaintance who worked with a guy at a Mexican restaurant. This sombrero had a history – it previously belonged to a Mexican peasant farmer who kept a few pigs for special occasions. It’s well known that pigs are easily sunburned and Mexican hogs see quite a bit of sun – usually in dusty conditions that cause them to sneeze.  During siesta the farmers often sit in the middle of a group of pigs who snuggle up under the wide brim for shade. In time this particular hat absorbed what is scientifically known as ‘antibodies’ – particularly a strain that provides immunity to sneezing pigs. Our founder in turn absorbed some of these valuable antibodies during his stalking of the object of his desires. The rest as they say … is history. His very welcoming handshake has spread the antibody among the club and we now enjoy a unique protection.

This information came from a reliable source - the target of our founder’s attentions. She told me that she finally noticed him the time he tried to follow her onto a bus wearing the 4 foot wide sombrero. The bus door was 3 feet wide. “His look of despair as he stood on the pavement when the bus pulled away melted my heart”, she said. She added “He’s never shown any other swinish tendencies – but he knows a few people who do”.