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Shortcut to Heaven

If one accepts the concept that heaven is a state of nirvana … a temporary place here on earth of ecstatic delight and blissful joy that can be entered without the rather serious need to depart this life for good … then I have found that place.

Unlike the environment promised by the Taliban that is packed with nubile virgins (of either sex I hasten to add in the interests of balanced un-chauvinist reporting given that this is a thoroughly modern publication catering for sensitive types of all persuasions but with an unfortunate lean towards wasting precious petroleum resources and contributing to global warming. (If I add my mother’s scone recipe now I will have just about written the perfect story with something for everyone.) … this place is packed with testosterone, littered with high performance vehicles and guaranteed to produce an adrenalin surge that lasts longer than the wait to speak to someone at the Telecom Call Centre. The food is good too.  It’s defiantly my perception of heaven.

I am NOT talking about the recent Top Gear show which I thought was a bit rancid and certainly excessive on the economic front. (No wonder we are now in a recession). Unlike Top Gear which was an assemblage of sweaty bodies packed into a darkened overcrowded hall in the centre of our most dangerous and despised city, all hoping to be chosen to make an idiotic comment to Gods most recent appointed prophet, I am reporting on a place that was, until we arrived, quiet and relaxed, with hands on entertainment of a very exciting nature.  I am referring to the Ngutunui Hillclimb.

3 timed passes up the 8.7 kilometer tar sealed Ngutunui Hill on a beautiful summer Sunday organised by the Hamilton Car Club is a very exciting experience. At drivers briefing I managed to stifle a snort of derision when the event was introduced as “New Zealands Finest Hillclimb”. After my first timed run I wanted to correct the quotation to the “Worlds Finest Hillclimb”. Now, I quite understand your skepticism that it may not rate quite that high on the world scale but it is in the finals for that title. 8.7km of fast grippy road that winds up into Mount Pirongia in a remote part of the country that doesn’t even feature on the TV weather forecast. This is a motorsport event that I shouldn’t be telling you about. If I was smart I would be keeping the secret to myself and the few lucky people who already know about it.

The run is more like a Rally Sprint or Targa stage. It’s too long to learn perfectly and too fast to take with total confidence. Some of the sections flow like a Viennese Waltz. There were times I was in 5^th gear thinking about 6^th when the sense of self preservation kicked in reminding me that I am approaching my prime and need to remain in the perfect condition I currently find myself.  3 or 4 cars returned home a little worse for wear but in every instance they went out in a blaze of glory. I like to see that. It means the course is challenging and the competitors have risen to that challenge.

The event is a fundraiser for the Ngutunui School about 25km west of Te Awamutu which provided the civilized service park and excellent catering – to the quality and quantity I encourage my wife to achieve. One farmer on the barbeque told me the pig I was about to enjoy had been a really handsome fellow while another mentioned his chickens were the most contented in the country and produced only triple yokers with no cholesterol. The huge variety of cakes at 1970 prices was the reason for my rubbish time up the hill – but I didn’t mind a bit.

Hamilton Car Club only run this hillclimb every 2 years – I’ve sent my entry in for 2011 already. I hope it’s raining next time. A few of those chickens would definitely get a scare.

Maurice O’Reilly

P.S. I didn’t really mean that bit about Auckland.