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Ivan the Terrible Was Here Too

Just like my friend who has had 3 wives, regular constipation and is now discussing his tax position with the IRD, the Baltic States have had a tortured history. Since being inhabited about 9,000 years ago, they have been conquered and oppressed by the Germans, Swedish, Polish and Russians – some on repeated occasions. I struggle to understand why. Apart from some petrified pine gum (amber) and a staggering number of trees, there has never been much for the conquerors’ to boast about when they arrived home. Ivan the Terrible seems to have ravaged every town in the area and is a hard act to follow. Peter the Great had a go – but he only established a couple of ports on the Baltic Sea. Even Flypaper and I have done more around here than him.  

Flypaper searches the globe for these places and before I know it I’m negotiating with suspicious customs agents, underpaid police officers and ladies who are looking at the bulge in my trousers (I’m learning to carry fewer business cards in my wallet). 

The Baltic States are made up of 3 countries – Latvia, Estonia & Lithuania - who live together like a dysfunctional family that fights over trivial things – because the consequences and disadvantages of living apart are too difficult to imagine. For a visitor the union is perfect – the people, culture and countries are so similar. The individual populations are however, deeply suspicious that their neighbour may have an advantage. We were careful to divide our time and funds equally between each to avoid further international tension. After almost 4,000km of spying in most corners of this region I feel qualified to comment. 

The immediate overreaching impression on arrival is that the Baltic States are flat. From the air they look like a giant scum covered pond. Estonia does boast a ‘mountain’ that is a dizzying 318 meters (1043 feet) high – towering over the best its neighbours can offer. The region is not known for producing mountaineers or Giant Slalom Skiers. This may seem to you to be an insignificant issue – but for us driving a rented 1200cc Ford Fiesta it was of great importance.  The remarkable thing about our Fiesta was that when the accelerator was pushed to its extremity, nothing happened. This is not a vehicle that you would choose as a getaway car. While our itinerary was planned with important logistical, cultural and places of purported interest considered, we made modification to consider the prevailing winds which I required to be behind us. Passing maneuvers’ were planed like a military exercise. Ideally the terrain would have a slight downwards inclination, the tail wind would gust and my flashing headlights would attempt to intimidate the struggling logging truck into surrender. It was helpful that the roads were mostly straight for many kilometers on end. (A legacy of Soviet rule) This provided the opportunity for a planned attack which was only thwarted by the fact that the cars in the ‘Baltics’ are required to travel with their headlights on. Whenever I saw headlights in the distance, to disguise my shame, I braked heavily and pretended that we had a more pressing engagement in the forest that was inevitably bordering the road. Flypaper was regularly required to make a dash into the trees to disguise my embarrassment over an aborted overtaking maneuver. I did puzzle when she dashed back saying that she had forgotten something. The Fiesta was a little too conspicuous - iridescent lime green. As it rained sometime on most days and as we regularly took unpaved back roads to see the culture normally hidden from visitors, the car eventually looked like an ‘Aulsebrooks’ biscuit I enjoyed on special occasions as a lad – chocolate with lime green icing.  

The flatness of these counties takes further significant when one considers the natural attractions. For example, we visited Estonia’s highest waterfall. This aquatic curiosity excites the local populace sufficiently to include it in all tourist literature and to erect numerous signages insuring it isn’t missed. There was even a couple of visually arresting ladies nearby to add value to the occasion. To suggest we were unimpressed may be demeaning to our Baltic friends. You should make up your own mind. I straddled the stream that issued over the cliff into the Baltic Sea and relieved my most urgent problem. Flypaper, who was strategically position downstream at the falls, reported that my efforts made a significant increase in the flow – and that a couple of fish below rose to the surface gasping and rolled over in surrender. The falls are 30.51 meters high!  About the height of a 9 story building. By world scale quite unremarkable – but they will forever live in my memory as the falls that never quite reached the bottom. So little was the flow that it evaporated in transit. The ‘official’ limit in Estonia from which a descent of water is regarded as waterfall has been conventionally and conveniently set at 1 metre. The leaking spouting on many houses conform to this criteria.  

A pleasing and convenient aspect of sightseeing in Estonia to me is that many old stately Prussian country homes and gardens are all promoted as the ‘best’ example in the land.  I appreciated the convenience of checking out the first one and moving on to other things. Unfortunately Flypaper wanted to make her own judgment. The result was uncertainty and disappointment because each had some merit but none could claim the title. I did appreciate the baronial splendor in which the original owners once lived. Their kitchens were deep in the bowels of the house and only required visiting to ensure the latest boar, stag or offending peasant was satisfactorily skewered over the enormous fireplace. Slanderous rumor suggests that the Barons spent their free time frolicking in the upstairs boudoirs with the maidens from the lower levels and this has subsequently caused ‘succession’ claims which the families are finding quite time consuming and expensive. There’s a lot to be said for Television entertainment. It was also interesting to have the marital etiquette explained relating to the separate bedrooms for the Master and Mistress. The protocol was for the master to sneak down the passage and throw his nightcap into his wife’s bedroom. If it wasn’t returned within a reasonable time he was welcome to follow it in. There appeared to be no contrary procedure.  

All three countries are covered in trees – it may surprise you to learn that the predominant species is Baltic Pine. Birch & Spruce also feature pretty regularly. The Birch makes excellent firewood. Every home has enormous stacks of firewood in preparation for grim winter weather. There are many UN Heritage National Parks and all boast lots of wild animals. Apart from an escaped skinny farm deer in a place that didn’t even have a warning sign telling us to watch out for it, we saw nothing. No bears, moose, lynx, otter, bison, wild boar, otter, wolf, badger, fox, otter or ermine – they were all signposted but evaded our search. We did see millions of piles of freshly dug soil under which I understand would be a mole in hot pursuit of sustenance. Even in New Zealand the tourists see a possum every time they drive somewhere. We did see lots and lots of Storks. These choose to nest on old unused power poles. However, some of the poles still in use did have a pervading aroma of fried chicken surrounding them. During our visit the parent storks were caring for large chicks that appeared to have outstayed their welcome. Who can blame the chicks for wanting to stay? They have a big home with the best view in town and 2 parents working 24 / 7 to feed them. It’s as good as being on an unemployment benefit.  

That reminds me of the guide we employed at Sigulda to drive us around in a struggling electric cart and point out all the things worthy of mention. He was distressed that at as 26 year old PE Teacher he could not afford to leave home. I noticed that his shirt was perfectly pressed and his shoes well polished. (Methinks he complains too much.) He was in despair that he didn’t earn enough to attract a suitable bride. His preference was for a couple of young ladies who unfortunately earned more than him – and (typically) they had higher aspirations. The incomes of the average Baltic people remain low. They are members of the EU and Euro’s are welcome in some places … but the populations are suspicious that they will somehow be again subjugated and retain their own currency & culture. It’s definitely the place to establish a ‘European’ manufacturing or distribution business at the moment. I predict fortunes will be made here in the next 10 years. The Russians are moving back and Europeans would be wise to get in quickly. 

A place called Jurmala in Latvia is worthy of mention. It’s the ‘Riviera of the Baltic’s. Well … the Russians think so. It does boast the most astonishing early 20^th Century wooden architecture. Timber houses used to be the norm in the Baltic’s – until the Russians arrived with concrete. As we have an old wooden house it’s understandable that we were attracted to their architecture. There are over 4,000 protected villas’ in Jurmala that are all different and mostly beautiful. Wealthy Russians are restoring them for their trophy wives to visit the beach each summer. It’s very much like Mount Maunganui really.  

The road rules in all 3 countries are subtly different but based on their Russian heritage. I learned about these last year in 5 other old Russian states. The lessons have served me well – in spite of pushing the limits I have not met many Baltic Policemen. There was the one in Latvia who waved a finger at me for driving down a one-way street the wrong way. Oh – Flypaper has reminded me there was another in Lithuania who turned his siren on to provide the opportunity to advise us that the street we were traversing was for public transport and emergency vehicles only. He failed to understand my reasoning that we were starving and late for our restaurant booking so this ‘emergency’ seemed a reasonable reason for being there. Because he had his hand on his pistol I elected to turn around and find another one way street that had no one to spoil our progress. 

Most eating establishments have their menus translated into English and all hotels have personnel who speak good English. This makes the essentials easy. Once off the beaten path it becomes a bit more challenging but nothing causes concern. Food and accommodation are about 2/3^rd New Zealand prices. The local beer is about 1/3^rd and is superb. Wine is poor quality European to meet the price. The presentation and quality of the food is superb as is service. The Beaver Stew was a new and interesting option. 

The principal old Baltic cities have historic centers the equal to the better known European cities. Riga (Latvia) is one of the most complete old towns in Europe and has the largest concentration of Jugendstil (German Art Nouveau) architecture in the world – and has a reputation for having the best nightlife in Europe.

Tallinn (Estonia) has lots going for it. A few years ago Russia experimented on Estonia with cyber warfare. Today Tallinn is home to NATO's main research centre for cyber defense. (All of the Baltic’s is covered by free internet service). In Medieval times Tallinn's city gates were firmly shut each evening at 9 p.m. Anyone wandering the streets after that hour without a good reason was taken to jail. Being unsure if that law had been repealed we decided not to test the nightlife now being made legendary by the Russian Oligarchs.

Vilnius (Lithuania) arguably boasts the most impressive concentration of Baroque architecture in the world and certainly in northern Europe. Our evening in the dungeons of Restaurant Zemaiciai was possibly the highlight of our dining experiences – but be warned – the narrow stairways down into the catacombs are so narrow that returning after the Wild Boar feast is a challenge. I popped out like a cork from a Champaign bottle.  

Tourism in the Baltic’s is increasing at a phenomenal rate. 40% increase in Russians alone during 2011. Many of these spend E50,000 or more for a 4 week holiday. That in itself is worth looking at. Their excesses are legendary. The trophy wives I observed were all startlingly thin but certainly not suffering from anorexia. They order caviar, Champaign, truffles and cake with decadent enthusiasm – while chatting on their diamond studded cell phones.  I recommend the Baltic’s for those who prefer slightly adventurous travel … but be quick ... It will be spoilt in a short time. Get here soon.  

If you do decide to visit – please give them my regards … and apologies. I won’t be back to pay the many fines. Our Fiesta made its best efforts just where the thieves had set up their speed cameras. I’m sure that each photo’s will show my jaw dropped in astonishment.